Statistically speaking...

People use suffix prepositional phrases to get a chuckle. For example, “…in bed” following a fortune cookie (see “You are wise beyond your years…‘in bed;’” “You will come into a great deal of money tomorrow…‘in bed.’”), or “…that’s what she said” following just about anything (see “That tabletop is pretty hard…‘That’s what she said;’” “Shoot, I stained my pants…‘That’s what she said.’”). But where is the humorous prefix phrase that can be employed in virtually any situation for instant contextual laughter?

Today, I give you, “Statistically speaking…” This prefix phrase can be inserted into any conversation that is either freestanding or preceding a comment in response to a question. It’s very important, though, to recognize the situation you find yourself in before using such a device in order to maximize its effectiveness.

One) This is the purest form of the prefix usage – the standalone prefix statement. You casually stroll up to your friend and tell him, “Statistically speaking, my coffee tastes better in the morning.” This can be verified by a personally conducted study of your taste buds’ reaction to coffee in the morning versus afternoon or evening. True, your friend may think you odd, but if he really is your friend, he will tolerate (or better yet embrace) your whimsical humor.

We can extend this to a stranger on the street. You walk up next to a person at the crosswalk and exclaim, “Statistically speaking, this light turns green every three minutes.” He does not know if this is true or not, nor does he know you just made a joke. What you have done is thrown down a conversation starter (or thrown down the gauntlet if you happen to have bumped into a city-planner enthusiast).

It works equally well with the random girl at the bar. There is a beautiful redhead, with legs to boot, sitting at the end of a booth with her friends. (For this to work, it is optimal to target a redhead – statistically speaking, they tend to be more open to inane comments.) You walk up, and without even bothering to preface with an “Excuse me…,” you open with, “Statistically speaking, I’ve seen fewer gorgeous women at this establishment than there are strings on my guitar. There’s no reason to waste an opportunity to talk to one now.” Not only have you made her smile with your contextual prefix, but you’ve also complimented her looks and clued her in to your musical ability. Jackpot.

Two) This is the response-oriented usage. A friend walks up to you and asks, “How you doin’, man?” Your reply: “Statistically speaking, I am three sheets to the wind.” Notice the instantaneous reflex of the answer. Normally, one would say, “Good,” or “What’s up?” sans answer. The questioner is expecting the instant reply, so one must jump on the opportunity to employ the prefix phrase immediately. Before the questioner knows it, he has been victimized, not to realize the significance of your reply until you have already blown by him.

Another way to use the response-oriented version is to confuse and ward off authority figures. Let’s use a simple example. Your mother walks into the living room to see you watching baseball, or playing guitar, or any variety of amazing alternatives to doing work. She barks at you, “Go clean up your room!” This is where numbers turn to your advantage. Surprise her with your vast knowledge of information with, “You know, Mom, statistically speaking, an amphibian can regenerate its own tail at a rate of three per week.” This will stop the authority figure dead in her tracks. However, it is extremely important to speak to her in a calm and confident voice. Her mind, focused on the messiness of your room, will hone in on the respect and self-assuredness of your tone and address of “Mom.” (“Mother” would be too formal, and she would detect that you are patronizing her.) The “statistically speaking…” prefix sets her to up to hear something profound coming from her good-for-nothing son. Finally, the non-sequitur information is inconsequential, as it only has to sound like you know what you are saying. Can an amphibian actually regenerate its own tail three times per week? I don’t know, but neither does your mom. By this time, though, she has forgotten all about your room and can only walk away in either confusion, amazement, or utter horror. The reason, again, is unimportant, because the goal of the exercise is ward her off your free time. Mission accomplished.

Probably the most practical use of the response-oriented version is with the girlfriend. She walks out of the dressing room and asks you, “Does this dress make me look fat.” (!!!!!!!) The fire alarm should be going off in your head at this point. Ahhh, but you can quickly diffuse the situation with a deft use of “Statistically speaking…” There are two alternatives here. First, “Statistically speaking, you have never looked fat a day in your life.” She will love you for this one. Sans the awesome prefix, you run the risk of her feeling like you are dodging the question (which you are). The question would be repeated and you would be what we call “up shit creek.” However, the prefix gives you your paddle. She will find your quirky sense of humor cute and adorable. Coupled with the compliment, you have successfully evaded a landmine and have set yourself up for a long night of romance (and possible hanky panky).

The second use with the girlfriend will take you down another road. “Does this dress make me look fat?” Your response: “Statistically speaking, yes.” This reply radically departs from the common number reference with which we have previously stuck. You could stretch the argument to be a reading-between-the-lines reference to the number of her weight. Really, this response gets you no brownie points. It’s actually just a poor excuse to use your brand-spanking new humorous prefix, “Statistically speaking…” But let’s face it, you wanted to break up with her anyway.

If you master the usage of “Statistically speaking…,” you may begin to feel things getting stale. Not to worry. You can always spice things up by using the variation prefixes, “If we look at the numbers…,” or “All things being equal…,” or even “After doing the calculations…” If you employ these prefix devices correctly, you will assuredly impress folks and make new friends; however, you will also make many enemies who hate free-thinkers like us. You want this. When you encounter these disillusioned individuals, simply retort with the classic suffix, “Your mom.”

Bonus:  Today, Prof. Butkin made a funny in Basic Corporations. “This case reminds me of that funeral joke. An atheist died and was dressed in a nice business suit and put in an open casket. A funeral attendee walked by and remarked, ‘What a shame, all dressed up and nowhere to go.’”